


Moving Forward

by felineranger



Series: The Todster Files [5]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 19:30:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5940442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister tries to come to grips with his new life and new relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Forward

Sometimes, Lister still forgets. He wakes up in the darkness and the feel of someone in the bed with him makes his heart jolt to a stop, makes adrenaline flood his system, and he jerks upright, wondering who or what has found its way into his room this time. On the first occasion, he was on the other side of the room, shrieking 'Lights!' and frantically searching for a weapon before Todhunter - _Frank_ \- had even lifted his head from the pillow. These days the shock and panic pass more quickly, as his brain gradually finds it easier to recall and accept that he is no longer alone. Todhunter barely even wakes now; just reaches out with one arm to tug him back down and gently rub his chest in soothing circles until his breathing slows and his limbs relax and they both drift back to sleep. They don't talk about it anymore. It's just one of those things.

Lister hadn't really known what to expect when he'd initiated that kiss. He'd done it on impulse because it felt like the right thing to do - an opportunity to make amends for the wrong decision he'd made all of those years ago that had landed them both here - but it was more than that. He knows this wouldn't have worked out back in the old days; Frank was married, he was broken-hearted, and twenty-five year old him had wanted excitement and passion. He'd had his whole life ahead of him and wasn't willing to settle for anything less than a bolt of lightning. But all of that has changed now. He wants someone he can trust, someone who will look out for him, someone who is all those words ending in 'ibble' that he'd once scorned, because he's had enough excitement for several lifetimes and now he just wants to feel safe. He's learned many hard lessons over the past few years; one is the value of loyalty, another is to never pass up a chance of happiness. They're very different, he knows that, and both of them still in shock in their own ways, but when he looked into Frank's eyes that day, he'd seen everything he wanted and needed. He saw someone who would stand beside him through whatever happened next. He saw, amidst all the insanity, a chance of happiness. Their first kiss hadn't felt like lightening, it had felt like a sigh of relief.

No-one else really understands what they have. Rimmer, unsurprisingly, is horrified by the whole thing and says so - loudly and frequently. Cat and Kryten are mystified as to why he has suddenly jumped headfirst into a relationship with someone he's barely mentioned for years. Kochanski maybe gets it - a little anyway - but even so, he suspects she sees it as a fleeting thing that will burn out in time. He can see the reservations in her face when she sees them together. She thinks they're too different; worlds apart in more ways than one. He's secretly afraid himself that the shine will wear off eventually, but for different reasons. For Frank, no time at all has passed since the days when Lister was just the cheeky little scrap from Z-shift with a charming smile, but that's not who he is anymore. He's not the cute bouncy puppy that his lover was so enchanted with. He's older and he's damaged, and he knows that sometimes he scares Frank a little because he's seen and done so much. For all that Frank says he's proud of him, tells him that he's amazing, every now and then Lister will catch him looking at him with an expression that can range anywhere from surprise to unease through to downright horror, and he knows that - however good things are between them right now - there are still things about him that his partner is not ready to hear. In those moments Lister will quickly smile or make a joke and burrow into his arms. He never asked for any of this. He never wanted to be amazing. He never wanted to be the guy the captain comes running to every single time 'something weird is happening'. He doesn't want the pressure or the responsibility. When he's cuddled against Frank's chest, that's who he wants to be, and he's so afraid of losing that because he doesn't think there's another soul on board this ship who would take care of him this way. There's no-one else who still sees - or wants - that puppy dog. Well...except perhaps one person.

Rimmer is the only other person who still treats Lister exactly the same way. The knowledge that his bunkmate has spent the last three million years surviving all the perils deep space can throw at an astro apparently means nothing to him. _Nothing_ that's happened seems to mean that much to him. Incongruously, Lister feels a bit sorry for this living Rimmer, who's never had a chance to grow and is still hampered by all the petty anxieties and concerns of the past, and seems far more disturbed by Lister's relationship with Todhunter than by the extinction of the human race. If the impropriety of their relationship wasn't enough, he knows Rimmer's never really gotten over the shock (or the indignation) of walking in to find them - as he primly described it - 'playing the grown-up version of Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes in _my_ bunk'. Although, he wonders sometimes, if _his_ Rimmer were here, would his reaction really be much different? He suspects not.

Frank never stays in their quarters, they spend most nights together in his room. It's easier that way; certainly more pleasant for them and it protects Rimmer's delicate sensibilities, although it doesn't stop him complaining. Lister knows Frank would like him to move in permanently, but he's not quite there yet. Not because he still harbours doubts about the longevity of this relationship - he's ready to take a chance on that - but because he can't shake the lingering feeling that while there is an Arnold Rimmer on Red Dwarf, however irritating, that's where home is. Even if this Rimmer isn't quite the same, even if he doesn't remember all the things that Lister does, it doesn't matter. There are a million memories in that face for Lister, even if they aren't shared. Much as he wants to be normal, wants to be Frank's puppy dog, he doesn't want those years, those times, to slip away from his mind. He doesn't want Rimmer to fade into being just a guy he used to know. As long as he has this connection, this constant reminder, his Rimmer will never be forgotten. And when he lies in Frank's arms at night, still amazed that this is happening, he hopes that his Rimmer, wherever he is, is just as happy. He hopes that he hasn't forgotten him either.

 


End file.
